For the past few Sundays, Pastor’s "love message" reminded me of exactly what God had shown me 2 years ago, which is before we can walk in the love of God, we have to open up our heart to love (noun). I went through something similar that God has shown me - it is POSSIBLE to open our heart to love and that comes with much more benefits than just having the love to give to others. It even enriched our own personal walk and sensitivity to the Lord.
During my first 2 years of being a Christian, I’m just a church going Christian who knows that Jesus is my Saviour but do not have a personal relationship with Him. The funny thing is I do see His goodness in my life, like how He had faithfully protected my family and provided for our needs in a miraculous ways, but I seem to be like a bystander. I see His acts, which is always through others around me, I heard about Him, in church sermons but I do not really KNOW Him personally. Most of the time even if I do pray, it seems fruitless to me because I don’t even know if He hears me. So gradually, I give up on praying and stop spending time in the bible.
Finally, I came to a point of frustration where it seems like everyone around me can experience God personally, is so close to Him yet He seems so far away from me. I know I’m missing out on something because there is emptiness inside of me. In desperation, I began to cry out to Him and that day was the 1st personal encounter I had with God. He led me by giving me an urge to read Joshua about the walls of Jericho (Joshua 6:1) and further to (Joshua 6:17). With these 2 scriptures, He answered my prayer about why I felt distant from Him and what was the solution I needed. It was so direct to the point that it was easy for me to understand.
Joshua 6:1, “Now Jericho was tightly shut up because of the Israelites. No one went out and no one came in.” This was to say that my heart is like the walls of Jericho, tightly shut up that I can’t receive, not even from Him and I’m not willing to give to others.
Joshua 6:17, “The city and all that is in it are to be devoted to the Lord.” At the word “devoted”, I saw a footnote that explains the meaning of the word in Hebrew: it refers to the irrevocable giving over of things or persons to the Lord, often by totally destroying them”.
By that, I know that the Lord is asking me to give up everything that is in my heart which had caused the wall to be built up to Him. Bitterness, fear, shame, insecurity and hurts had helped to build up that wall.
Joyce Meyer once said, “We can't give away something that we don't have” She went on to explain: - Firstly I have to receive the love of God, which is to really know that God loves me unconditionally & not base on my do's and don'ts. Then when I receive the love of God, knowing that God loves me as I am & have forgiven me, maybe I can love myself & forgive myself & there starts the healing process of a relationship with myself. That has to happen before I can love other people. I believe that a lot of people are trying to love others but they really do not have it to give because there's something inside them tat still needs to be fixed. It's a freeing experience knowing that it is His love to me & through me, no longer my doings and my failure in loving others because He will help me, it releases so much pressure.
In the past, not only do I choose who to love but also how much I am willing to love. Even to those that I’m supposed to love, I love "sparingly" and not wholeheartedly. I still do help people around me, care for them, socialize around but the main thing is my heart is not open to them. It not only affects how I love others but also how I receive love from others. I don’t allow others to love me too much. Some say I am an independent person but I would say that my walls and guard were so high up that made me strong on the outside to protect my insecurity on the inside. As a result, I was hindered in receiving from God and as a result, I do not have anything to give.
The Lord is so GOOD; only He gave the solution, He helped me with it too. He strengthened me to do what He says by these 2 sentences which I hear so clearly in my heart. He said “All forgiveness can be found in the blood of Jesus” and “Trust in me and I will protect you from all hurts”.
What God did released me to dare open up my heart to the people around me. I am able to love others more and am able to receive love from others too. I began to be more sensitive to the compassion that sometimes rises up from within my spirit and I am able to give more of myself out of love than the past.
His love had torn down my walls and from that encounter on, things started to change gradually. I began to desire to know more about Him through His words, I spent more time in prayer and confessions, I became more sensitive to His presence and it seems like the more I experience Him, the more I hunger for Him and the more I hunger, the more He will fill. Hallelujah! All Glory to Jesus.
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