If not for God, I would have committed suicide

Psalm 136:1, "1 Oh, give thanks to the LORD, for He is good! For His mercy endures forever."

I came from a traditional Buddhist Chinese family. Hence I grew up as a Buddhist. I did not know why but as a teenager, I felt lonely and angry all the time. I was ambitious and prideful as a person too. Moreover there was always this sense of emptiness in me.

To fill this emptiness in my heart, I turned to gang activities such as fighting, gambling and extortion I engrossed myself in games and internet surfing. But all these did not help. Eventually I turned extremely introvert. I refused to go out for dinner or outing with my family. Basically, I just want to shut myself out to the world and lock myself up in my room.

However during that time I came to know a friend who invited me to go to a youth hub name 251. From there I started to know some counselors whom I started to develop very close relationships. They were people whom I could open up my heart and share my worries and problems with them. I feel great being around with them.

Not long later, I started to develop a relationship with a girl from the hub. Everything went well for one and a half years but it did not work out due to some reasons and we eventually broke up. I was devastated and depressed. I started to lock myself in my room and spend my time playing games and listening to songs, hoping that these activities could soothe my heart but it did not help. Then the thought of committing suicide came into my mind. I dwelled on that thought till the point that I was going to act on it.

Then just when I thought that I would commit suicide the next day, my handphone rang. It was one of the counselors whom I used to be very close but we lost contact after he went to Taiwan to find his wife. When I heard his voice, I cried out my pain to him.

We met the next day at his place. I literally poured out all my feelings to him. He was the one person whom I spoke my heart out ever since the break up. Later he took the opportunity to share with me the love of God. As I listened, I could feel my heart softening and the pain easing away. I tried to force myself to feel sad but I could not. The word of God was ministering to my heart. However coming from a staunch Buddhist family, I decided to stop hearing him. When I left, I was confused yet joyful and relieved.

A few days later, I felt sad again. The same counselor did not give up on me. God did not give up on me. The councilor later invited me to a Christine crusade at the Singapore indoor stadium on the pretext of a huge concert. I went and literally thought it was a concert until I was sitting inside the stadium. It was too late to back out then.

Then when the lights dimmed and the music played, my heart started to feel very strange. There was this feeling of sorrow and bitter which got to a point that I could not control myself and burst into tears. I did not know why I felt this way; it was a different kind of sorrow and pain that I have felt before. It was a supernatural feeling. As the music continued, the sorrow turned into a sense of incredible joy and comfort. I felt I was the happiest person on earth. At that instant I knew that it was God. Throughout the whole worship Jesus was beside me, talking to me and comforting me. He was gentle, loving and so real to me. After the service I told my friend I wanted to know more about Jesus. That day onwards, I committed my life to God.

Finally I found my answer. God was the missing puzzle in my life who could filled the emptiness of my heart and give me the real joy and comfort. I am privileged to experience it first hand and I believe everyone can as well.

Anonymous